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Hollywood can kiss my pale behind. Perhaps you have heard of the new movie coming out, called Beastly? Obvious retelling of Beauty and the Beast, no big deal. Looks interesting, stupid rich boy set-up, an Olsen twin as a witch? not bad, but….

Butbutbutbutbutbbbbbbbbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttttttttttt….

Why is a guy covered in tattoos (some of which look fuckin’ bad ass, by the way) a “beast”? Sure, he has some scars and some wonky ears, but really? No wonder I’m ugly, then, if that’s such an insurmountable standard. I mean, compared to the “before” shot, he is no longer a candidate for Abercrombie and Fitch Model of the Year, sure, but he isn’t ugly, to me.

Now, I know that that’s part of the whole Beauty and the Beast schtick, the male and female come to realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, etc. etc. etc. But the whole problem for me is that Hollywood is portraying the “after” shot as truly horrific. It just… isn’t. He isn’t a bloodthirsty monster, or part animal, or humpbacked, or sprouting potatoes in his armpits. He looks better to me with the ink and the scars and the adorable wonky ears than when he’s all Blonde and Blue-eyed.

What gets me is that young people, impressionable Beiber-loving tweens, will see this movie and decide that it’s right- scars+ink+ minor imperfections= GROSS! Let us search for the minuscule percentage of the population that fits the high standards of beauty and BREED! All the while forgetting that they, themselves have a off-center nose and hammertoes. Or worse, they decide that since they do have an off- center nose and hammertoes they will never be loved.

Because they are ugly.

Beastly, let us say.

Because, the main character doesn’t end up with an ugly but good-hearted young lady. Oh, no. He gets a “hippie” (and don’t get me started on how that is supposed to be counter-culture enough to allow her to love him) with gorgeous bone structure and beautiful skin. Because when she falls in love and breaks the curse, he must have a mate worthy of his restored beauty. Nevermind the dorky, dumpy little gamer girl in the corner with the cokebottle glasses and the Final Fantasy addiction. She is unworthy, because since he is the main character and Amazingly Gorgeous (TM) he will of course be freed from the evil spell, learn his lesson, and live happily ever after. He couldn’t possibly fall into a lasting love with a nerd, now could he? What reason would he have to stay with one so ugly, with no enchantment to save her from her ordinariness?

I fear I read too much into things. If I go see it, maybe it will redeem itself in my eyes.

Maybe.

But I doubt it.

For those interested in the movie, go here-  http://beastlythemovie.com/  . Decide for yourself. Personally, so far the only thing I like is the “Practice Safe Hex” shirt and the “Embrace the Suck” slogan. Mostly because I have a filthy, filthy mind.

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