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There is a little green man who lives in the traffic lights. He doesn’t actually look like this. This statue is a blatant attempt at influencing him to be forever green in my presence. In actuality, he is green and yellow and red.

His front is green. This is what we see when the light is green- nekkid green spirit-willie. His sides are yellow, a long stripe all the way around. When the yellow light comes on, he is turning (thus why the yellow light is shorter in time than the green or the red). The red is his ass. Yes, you heard it right. A red light is a full moon from a small multi-colored spirit.

There are several ways to gain his favor. Many people do the first one, often without realizing it- hula dancers. The little plastic women in various states of undress that stand on the dashboards. For the full effect you need to face them outwards, towards the lights. In an effort to entice the lovely plastic lady into his green embrace, the Little Green Man will flash his Little Green Thing, thus giving you the perfect chance to go through the light. Playboy air fresheners also work.

Another easily home-made charm is a ball of green thread or yarn. This symbolizes the path of green lights you wish to have, whether it is a straightforward path or an infernal labyrinth of pain and despair (Los Angeles, I’m lookin’ at you). If you are feeling particularly ambitious, wrap money or some other valuable in the center. This is now his, so you don’t get it back, but the ball can switch cars so you’ll have it (and his favor) forever. Treat the ball well, feeding it with booze, honey, soda- whatever you think he’d like. Rinse it every once in a while if you douse it in sticky stuff. Set it on the dash or under the back glass to dry. Keep it in the car you drive. If it gets frazzled, wrap some more string around it.

Statues of him are also good. The one pictured is what I call the Kiss Ass one, but a statue of his true appearance would also work. This statue is waiting to go in my car, pending some good glue to hold it down. The built-in dish will hold offerings of food, spare change (which can either buy him something, or go to the homeless that sit under his lights), and incense.

He rules more than just traffic lights. All matters of right-of-way concern him. Stop lights, left hand turns, horrendous road merges- with the proper veneration he can smooth most anything out. With this comes a degree of protection against traffic accidents (it wasn’t just him that helped me when I got T-boned, but he was there none the less), though mostly in the preventative sense. If asked nicely, he may even ensure a nice parking spot when you get where you’re going, in his guise as He Who Walks Between The Rows.

When I was little, I thought the green man in the “Walk/Don’t Walk” signs was an actual person. As I grew older, I started thinking of ramifications and ways to make it work. Now I have rituals and statues and more than just me believes in him, because he gives results.

So, get some yarn, buy a hoochie hula girl with no coconut bra, and have fun. And say hello to him, from me.