A short story I wrote long ago and far away, partly for a gay friend and partly to protest Disney movies. (Mostly because I liked writing it, though.)


A Knight in Pale Lavender Armor

The story didn’t go right. The sweet, milk-meek princess turned out to be a sweet, milk meek prince. Still, there was a chance to fix it, right? Everyone knows that the fairies will save the day! Well, the fairy godmother got drunk on spiked cider at the post baptism kegger, so when the evil witch cursed the little prince, the idiot went and bent the curse the wrong way. Instead of saying a girl would break the curse with a kiss, she had to say a man would.

    Of course the usual precautions were taken. All enchanted pointy objects were destroyed. The prince was whisked away to an enchanted forest full of Broadway-hopeful animals. An old woman was sent with him to raise him, burp him, change his nappies, and generally do all the things that royal parents delegate to the servants.

    And nothing was said until he met Ferdie.

    Ferdinand Jacques Louis Reginald Fois du Gras y Escargot, known as Ferdie to everyone who had a life, was the only prince of a neighboring kingdom. He was a manly man’s man, able to bench six barmaids at a single swoop. That’s about as far as he would ever get though; he had more -refined- tastes. And he really wanted to taste our sweet princelet, Peter.

    To make a long, overly sweet, disturbing-in-a-cute-way story short, Peter and Ferdie hit it off, big time. As you may have guessed, the evil fairy’s minions overheard the declarations of love and reported to the Great Green Meanie-Face. When Prince Peter came back to his loving parents, the G.G.M.F. imported an enchanted pointy object from Enchanted Objects-R-Us and the curse was activated.

    Well, the fairy godmother decided to stay away from the cider this time so she actually got the spell right. The whole castle took forty winks and a bunch of thorns sprang up, which really ruined the topiary and surprised the life out of a goose (to make a small pun), who was innocently swimming in the moat at the time.

    Ferdie got wind of developments and immediately rode off to save his laddie love. The godmother intercepted him and gave him the Shield of Ass-Covering and the Sword of Eternal Pointyness, which really brought out the blue in his eyes. He rode up to the castle and crunched through the vines like a gardener with a thirst for revenge. A dragon that looked suspiciously like the Great Green Meanie-Face reared up and breathed old gym sock breath on him. Ferdie reeled in his saddle but managed to smite the G.G.M.F. Dragon with the Sword of Eternal Pointyness.

    He wobbled into the castle and eventually found Prince Peter. One first kiss and several magic gropings later, the castle woke up and the two were promptly married and lived happily ever after. They were wise, kind, and very fashion-minded rulers. The fairy godmother promptly got drunk on jello shots and spent the rest of her life enjoying free samples of Big Bob’s Alcoholic Emporium Merchandise, courtesy of two very happy young princes.